Epilogue -- Part Five -- Of Necks And Women

There is nothing like reclining back with an unintentional hard on. Last night I had a dream I was becoming depressed from the idea of really focusing on masturbation to the point it was aggravating my gender dysphoria. Anyone who knows me personally, knows that I had trouble with the idea of warming up to female victim hood for years.

As someone who was raised male, my instincts had edged toward the idea of wanting to decapitate women on a guillotine, rather than be that woman decapitated. I had a thing for head and neck partialism.

And yet when you warm up the idea of your own own personal femininity, this changes you. Initially the very idea of liking women with their heads cut off mentally fucked me up for years, compounded by my mom kink shaming me about it. This was before I had tried to attack my father with knives as the only way to stop him from strangling me again. It goes without saying, that wasn't what I had in mind for female victim hood. Luckily my mom talked me out of it. Did you know in the state I came from, if I got just the wrong judge if I managed to attack my father, I was at an age where I could in theory have received lethal injection in 2009?

The more you know.

This came down to my own particular fascination with female victims of any sort, even back when I had not fully come to grasp with my own femininity. I simply viewed women on a scaffold as objects of mere desire. Whether that was being hung by the neck until dead, decapitated by the ax, or guillotined in the square. There was a magical desire for women's necks. I used to role play in the role of someone sent to their decapitation, being embraced and touched by the Japanese word for "pretty men", that was men who almost looked like girls. I would find inter web chat rooms with other people into similar things.

Yet my own taste would eventually stray from what was often depicted there, and eventually went onto tamer interests, mainly spanking. My interest in mothering victims for execution didn't come until later. Keep in mind for trans women, sometimes what you want to be can often be confused from what you find attractive, although for the most part I would still say I'm largely lesbian.

But because I was broken, I got into the wrong crowd.

That's how I got into the cult I was in briefly. He eventually became financially exploitive, and they started trickling in the crazy while at the same time trying to reduce the ability for me to have my own kink.

But I made sure to limit it to on the inter webs.

So I suppose it was inevitable I would eventually fall in love with Anna-Marie Boeglin, and in some ways I found despite the lack of available material available in English to study to write Anna-Marie With Her Shotgun, and it's prequel Hemato Tomato, I could pretty much guess roughly what a girl who was sexually abused by her father went through. A character in a previous story had a similar childhood, though she was based on a Spanish girl I knew in seventh grade in Smyrna, Tennessee.

The thing is I went through a similar thing with my dad, though it did not quite escalate to full on rape. But he did molest me several times justifying it as getting me to properly clean my junk. In either case he didn't stop until I turned fourteen. So there was a kind of deeper bonding I had for Boeglin that transcended being merely an object of empathic affection.

As someone with motherly lust...

I wanted to fix her. But it was a kind of fixing different from the desire to fix the guy that I would eventually join the UFO cult of.

I wanted spend the rest of my life with her.

Still I am unsure whether I'll try to learn French, and research her case further. I suppose learning French doesn't necessarily mean supporting the French government. And despite whatever neck and head partialism I have, I don't want to support any country that execute teens.

Especially when I came so close.

I could sense her fear not, locked in the lunette.

The blade coming down. She was however spared after acquittal, but I wanted to make that very point. What that says of society if she were actually executed.