Chapter 21. Jealousy Of Others

But there was a kind of jealous empath game, a game more than just any other game. It was were I battled between the forces of jealousy and envy as I struggled between my the value of my own appearance, and contemplating the differing values between coming from Tennessee and the values of the Pacific North West. Contemplating further still the old values of the north west from the early 21st century and the values after the French take over of our nation.

There was only childish disdain there.

I wanted to be the prettiest of them, prettier still than my Cinderella girl who was marginally prettier than her sister on the Brother's Grim. Though I found her frequent desire to undress from that facade, and show me her vulnerable tears something that made me want to protect her from my envy. For she was my daughter, and I was her mother.

And besides with cannibalism your skin might fall off.

But I spent many years avoiding dates with friends because I feared that my jealousy and desire for the head and the neck with overcome my senses of human dignity and the value of the innocuous which I also desired. I wanted some aspect of human nature and care to remain within the individual.

Even if I could never benefit.

For I couldn't take care of myself.

 

Before leaving NashChat, I had attempted suicide three times. Once by hanging, once by cutting, and once by poison. Yet there was something that kept me from going all the way when I knew that my grandparents were still around, and despite whatever feelings I had for family I felt some duty toward Maddie, who I had fallen romantically in love with but never acted on partially out of respect for her desires, and the other aspect of--despite the lack of blood relation--technically being incestuous. It wasn't until later when speaking to a friend that it's only incest if you're blood related. I felt myself descend into the darkest jungle of the mind.

I wanted a love that wasn't there.

I wanted something to protect. I felt alone, I wanted to die. I did not want to be anywhere in the world. I wanted to see the world burn, imagining a world that would come to harm my Maddie. I would daydream about zombie hoards, and other vile creatures hurting my Maddie, among other supernatural creatures of the night. I wanted to remove her tears.

I wanted to die protecting someone.

To protect my Madeleine.

As I woke back I found that the night had come full circle, and it was just about morning. There was a Janitor outside the apartment window greeted me. "I thought you would never wake up, you know ma'am, the bed would be more comfortable." I giggled at his jibe, he patted my head, and I simply shrugged.

I didn't want to tell anyone, not even him.

I wanted to end my life again, to spare everyone.

From the horrors of myself.

During the day I would become more tired.

I felt like my body was falling apart. And yet I would try to fake a smile, and this seemed to make Anna-Marie happy. It was the first time I saw her frown go upside down. Anna-Marie smiled!

I was happy because she was.

We could be together.